Takeoff, Talkers and the TSA

An excerpt from a recent conversation I had by text message:

Caitlin: I’m at our favorite Starbucks at DFW! Miss you!

Me: You’re enjoying a hot coffee and I just got groped by TSA. Fabulous.

And with the holidays coming up you, too, may receive the jolly gift of having a TSA agent feel around your sensitive areas! Merry Christmas!

You’ve heard about the increased security measures, right? Holy privacy invasion! Don’t get me wrong, I am all for greater safety measures as I fly. I understand that protection from threat is the number one priority in these increased measures.

But, goodness, is it awkward.

And the last thing anyone wants to be at the airport is out-of-place and uncooperative. Therefore, here are my top five awkward situations at the airport and how to avoid them.

1. The wrong footwear.
Slip-ons, fellow travelers! Slip-ons! It’s bad enough having to wait behind someone who must re-lace his shoes. It’s even worse when the woman in front of you wore her highest heels with 15 separate buckles.
Another tip about shoes: stash some flats in your carry-on. Your tootsies will thank you during your long layover.

2. Ding! You can unbuckle.
Whether the light goes off midflight or after you descend, 32 people will hop up in the aisle.
If it’s midflight and you must use the lavatory, you now have two options: do a ninja slide over the tray tables of the passengers next to you and race to the back of the plane or strategically plan your exit. This will take some patience, as you will have to wait for 32 others to finish their business, but, with luck, you’ll make it in and out with minimal awkward waiting next to the last rows on the airplane and back to your seat just in time for the light to da-ding back on.
If you’ve landed, just stay seated! You’ll be more comfortable since you’re definitely not going anywhere. A game of “hurry up and wait” does not make the doors open any faster.

3. Find an empty terminal to use your cell.
Recently on a connection in Detroit, I had to listen to a grown man coo to his girlfriend about her sexy policewoman Halloween costume. I shake my head in shame to remember the incident.
Direct quote: “Baby, baby. Oooh yeah. I can’t wait for Halloween. You’ve got me all excited. Mmhmm.”
Sheesh. This is just a modern common courtesy, friends. Have those convos in private.

4. Watch your elbows.
Once I suffered on the three-hour flight from Seattle to Denver with a newspaper I had no interest in reading in my face. The man next to me felt it necessary to hog the armrest and hold his reading material across my seat. Awkward, right? Space is precious on an airplane, and your seatmate deserves just as much room as you do.

5. You miss your flight, forget your passport, have to go through the metal detector five times (don’t worry, they’ve got special measures now,) or otherwise have a terrible experience at the airport.
Just smile! Who would I be if I didn’t end this post optimistically? Just remind yourself that your chatty neighbor in 16B really just wants a new friend, and I’ll keep telling myself that the TSA is lucky to get a feel of my goods.

Happy holiday travels!